I am starting to think that if pushing people away were an art form, I would win some type of Oscar or prize. Was I really that jaded that I don’t want people to get closer? Maybe I wanted them to close; I was starting to think that I was needy or took things to personal because I’m sensitive.
I feel alone like a tiny speck of dust in the desert. It doesn’t feel any worse than that. I had no one to talk to about anything. The only friends that were available I feel like questioning because they are also friends with my daughter’s father. My family, I always felt like they were to busy for me. Maybe they didn’t care anymore. Maybe I’ve tried to be this person that I’ve wanted to be for so long, that I shoved it down everyone’s throats in a not so formidable way that they just wanted a break from it all.
One of my best friends is getting married and I was sure that I’d be her maid of honor; even though we’ve Always been quite contrary, I thought we were close. When I found out she was getting married, I tried to involve myself but she was always busy. I’m just one of her bridesmaids.. It wouldn’t feel so awful if at least she involved me.
My ex whom I had a child with, thinks that I want to be with him.. But in reality, I just want to be involved in my daughters life. Or maybe for him to keep the promise he made. That he’d never take the only thing I felt that mattered or gave my life purpose away from me. In the end, he did and I feel like the biggest motivating factor was money. I feel like I’ve failed her.
My boyfriend is in love with me but he says, I’m not ready to settle down.. I’m not sure. That I am a phenomenal woman but he doesn’t feel like he deserves me, not yet. I always feel like a bookmark or a book no one cares to actually read, but they don’t want to get rid of the book yet, because well, maybe they’ll read it someday.
My job, fucking sucks. My boss literally cut my hours because my boyfriend came into the store. The crazy part, he hasn’t made himself appear more than anything besides a customer. Then, his assistant manager quit and he said that if anyone talked to him, that they would be fired.. He talked to me, I talked back… Looks like we should cancel Christmas.
I try to make friends… The only ones that seem interested are guys so either they leave me hanging because I’m not single or they want me to play games on my guy. Some of which would hang out or help me with a ride before I became “in a relationship” like now I’m different because I can’t be fucked. Wow.
I feel alien to this world and all actions and motives are lost to me. Like, I’m missing my mark or lost my map back home. I just heard some very depressing news today. I cried one tear. Just one. Have I really gotten that used to feeling pain that I am invincible to emotions?
My life is like one big dial tone. Ring, Ring, Ring. We’re sorry but the person you’re trying to reach this time is busy. Please try your call again later.